THE GAME

TRUST.

Achy: I really don’t trust

Ahti: We are aware.

Achy: I trust THAT. It’s like the programming we spoke of. Again. I have cut even more weight and feel a monstrous amount of energy in the morning. I am drinking less coffee as it does not seem to be of much use.

Ahti: Slow. Trust.

Achy: OK. I just typed the letter k and genuinely felt like it was the letter l. The mistrust is fucking everywhere. The self is pushing me toward mistrust and anger.

I am fantasizing now.

It is desperate for my attention.

Suddenly I am itchy.

All of this explosive attention seeking from the self.

But it will not be satisfied because the self is never satisfied.

Maybe temporarily.

But never for long.

Whatever. I did Capoeira. I fed cats. But my self doesn’t give a mother fuck. It wants riches and freedom.

It is ungrateful for what is.

This is a massive break in the operating system. Because I have seen people who are never satisfied as they acquire more. They become monsters and the life they lead is not happy...I could be rationalizing my pain or jealousy in this...but I know I have met a ton of crazy and unsatisfied people with money, power, status, and fame.

The self got me.

I am too far.

I am acting (feeling/thinking) like those same rich assholes and it wont matter how much I get I will always be a slave if I don’t correct this bad programming now. (I want fucking moneyh gimmme gimmmeeeeeeee fuuuuuck!!!)

The self will not stop the screaming it feels like hell on earth if I had to give it a name.

Even though I am okay my self wants to panic like we are not even close to okay. Like the world is crumbling beneath us. It is the absolute worst. Any time I feel a lack of money, therefore resources, my abs tighten my sternum pulls in and my mind wants to scream. I also want to go off to entertainment.

Ahti: Like just now when you popped out of the editor to watch a YouTube video to ‘learn’, right?

Achy: Right. I am really trying to be here. I am unhappy with here. But I have MANY reasons to be happy with here. No. I feel as the disrespect of my father has nothing to do with it and that’s an entirely separate ordeal. But I do feel the anger rise as we are talking about it. But he is the one who lacks respect and love for himself and lives in constant fight or flight. You may consider him a more wealthy, and ironically, much more worse off version of me. He is genuinely trapped by what he’s built. But that’s fine. I simply don’t want the same. But I certainly want the wealth. The cash. The freedom to buy spend and expand for sure I want that.

But I don’t want the panic of not having it or thinking it will run out or when I have a lot of it always ‘investing’ in things in fear of running out in the future.

I logically know money is made up, printed on paper, and that there’s more than enough for everyone for ever and ever.

But it’s not internalized truly. The panic rises. The intrusive thoughts hit. The weird paralyzing fear hits. Angry thoughts around revenge pop up. I want to run to some kind of comfort. Even when it’s so logically sound to just get to work as opposed to ruminating and panicking. The truth is I know and I have plenty of knowledge.

Ahti: You did it again.

You got on TikTok.

You saw a video of Puerto Rico people slowly being pushed out by the wealthy.

You now are remembering the bully who tried to fuck with you while drunk. You want to beat him. You want him to never even think of touching you again. You got sucked in.

You cannot seem to find satisfaction in your life and it is the devices that control you and the good you are not doing.

Do more. More more more more good.

Achy: I feel sad. I feel stuck. Stuck here.

Ahti: You are not stuck. Walk out the door. Walk away. Never return. You are not stuck. You are not stuck to anything or anyone. At all. Ever under any circumstance. Just get the fuck out and live your life. Feels good.

Achy: The rice. The beans. Yes.

Ahti: You are feeling natural energy. Not coffee. But a meal after you body has been well cleansed. Still more cleaning to do. But this is good. Go.

Achy: I don’t ever want to waste energy on things that don’t serve me anymore. I know this is selfish…but this is the game, right?

Ahti: Right...